People are always surprised to find out I’m involved in a podcast. It’s not the first or the last thing I introduce myself with and for the most part, people find out when I have to cancel plans with them because something TSF comes up.
I’ve had conversations with Brian about how much my social life has suffered because of this baby that’s always sleeping in the back of my mind, the YSBDM baby. Which besides sounding like a hot sexual masterpiece, is the name I’ve given to the determined voice that is always telling me that I could do more.
I’ve forgotten how to take breaks. When I’m trying to enjoy something there’s always that little voice hanging out, chatting me up like dejected furniture catalog, telling me you should be doing more.
For longer than a year now, I’ve been working towards something. I’ve got a team, we’ve got a plan, and we’re working better than ever to mill out more but growth is a slow thing, and the wheezing breaths sound loudest when I’m laying in my room thinking about what I thought my life would be and what life is now.
The truth is I’m scared. I’ve been scared since I left college. I don’t think I’ll stop being scared. The difference, is that I’m scared of different things. Now what scares me most is this project (TSF) going away. A few months ago during the internet crises of 2018, huddled over a plate of eggs and lukewarm coffee, I told Brian that I was worried we were done. Nearly in tears, I whimpered for another cup of coffee to a waitress that had probably seen way more shit that night than I would in my entire life. What if all of this amounts to nothing. What if we never get it right. She begrudgingly poured coffee while I said more dramatic things to Brian about how fucked we were.
Then we had a meeting, and everything was alright again.
Of course, we do get it right once in a while. Both with the people we work with and with those that we get to see do dumb photoshops, and for those that love star wars, and for those that join us for Marvel movies.
We get it wrong too, late starts, inconsistent moderation, a spotty schedule.
It’s easy to let the wrong stuff slide because part of my insides say that it doesn’t matter.
That part of me is so, so stupid.
On Friday two people who met doing this project got married. Months after they met and started dating they committed to a lifetime commitment to one another. To thoughtfully pledge everyday towards making each other’s lives better. This decision was made during an unsteady time period in life. There are no allotments for stability being made, and financially no party is in the best shape. Despite this adversity vows were exchanged, rings given, documents signed, and family members appeased.
I asked Brian if he thought Eneaz was worried. I asked Eneaz if he was worried. I asked Rachel if she was worried. They all said no.
There has always been this pressing desire to find what is best. When I met Eneaz at Kanpai late on a Thursday afternoon (nearly 2 years ago!), my instincts told me to move on as quickly as possible. Deep in my gullet, there was a judgmental decision about how far this person could help take me. How far they could take this project. Sense dictated that there was someone better, somewhere. Because of that I almost didn’t meet a good friend. We joke about it now, but honestly I’ve spent many nights thinking about how fucked we’d be if I stayed a judgmental piece of shit. Thank fucking Christ he had a business card.
My fears about TSF stem from my fears about impact, but two people were able to find one another in this abysmally chaotic world and choose to support one another. Their narrative contains a fragment of this thing that’s grown from a library conference room to an office, to you. Regardless of whether or not this budding plant is snuffed by bad internet, or more likely our incompetence, it’s a shred of something in someone else’s life. For times like today, there is nothing I could ask more of what started as a silly idea while I was in between projects for my “real job.”
I didn’t get to attend the wedding, for the same reason I’m always bailing on my friends, because of work. There are some sentiments I would like to share though, and this weekly update might be as good a place as any. I like to picture a lectern in a ballroom, things like this are always said in ballrooms.
It is a fearsome decision to decide to love. It is probably the only decision we get to make that is solely based on personal whim, and yet so immediately impactful for the rest of your days. I have no doubts that there will be numerous swells in the water of your lives which might disquiet the cozy home being built from the waste wood we’re using to carve out an “ours”. Sure as those doubts are, I know that on the other side, you will remain in the basking sunlight of the defeated torrent, hands held, smiles tightly bound, floating to wherever you might go. Might we learn from your example, would be a blessing that all of us could awaken as better people.
If nothing else should come of TSF, I am happy that it has at least served in this way.
Definitely not a weekly update,