Trash or Treasure – Volume 26

Back to School Month – American Pie: The Naked Mile

Welcome, dear reader, to week two of our Back to School extravaganza. This week we get to experience the great event known as The Naked Mile, or at least a movie about it. The second of our American Pie spin-offs stars John White, Jessy Schram, Steve Talley, Christopher Macdonald, and, of course, Eugene Levy. The film is about a Stifler cousin, supposedly the prude of the family (Erik), who travels with his friends to see his other cousin, Dwight Stifler for the wholesome and eponymous clothesless athletic event. Might as well get this mile started.

Our film opens, perhaps aptly, with Erik Stifler feigning sickness to stay home from church with his family, so he can masturbate to a VHS porn tape he found in a dumpster. There is nothing about what I just wrote that could possibly go wrong. Just kidding, his dad forgets something and the whole family returns to the house right as Erik climaxes, which he accidentally, and grossly, does on his grandmother, causing her to have a heart attack and die. I could stop this article right now and it would already be significantly more ridiculous than some of the other films we’ve had at Trash or Treasure so far.

But we will forge on, for the sake of “movies.”

The movie then rolls us back and decides to actually give us a little backstory, introducing us to Erik (again), his pals Cooz and Ryan, and his girlfriend, current (not future!) love interest Tracey. Erik goes on a long monologue of self-depreciation about how he doesn’t deserve his girlfriend because he’s lame, but also about how Tracey isn’t ready to have sex with him. Which is terrible because he’s a Stifler, and you have to be a misogynist shithead all the time; it’s the Stifler way. We get to learn a bunch about how shitty his friends are too, when they blame Tracey for causing Erik to kill his grandma through masturbation. Because this is an American Pie movie, the ever classic “you can’t graduate high school a virgin” line gets broken out.

Ah, high school, land of misogyny.

Following a shitty conversation and misogynistic (assume everything in this movie can be described with the word “misogynistic”) where Erik tries to guilt Tracey into having sex, which she reasonably resists, the film cuts to the women’s locker room where the girls are talking about guys’ dick sizes, the only thing girls could ever talk about. The girls in the locker room also attempt to guilt Tracey into having sex with Erik, calling the male need to have sex a “caveman thing”. The film cuts to Erik and his friends deciding to go to The Naked Mile and visit Erik’s much more successful (with women) cousin Dwight. After a super awkward conversation where Erik’s mom talks about diarrhea and Erik’s dad talks about how Stifler men jerk it, Tracey calls Erik and tells him it’s time for them to have sex.

And nothing went wrong for the whole rest of the movie.

Everything, of course, goes horribly, horribly wrong and the night ends with Erik running out of Tracey’s house, naked save for pantyhose on his head, having just shat in her dryer. I would explain the events leading up to this, but it really doesn’t help you understand, so just imagine your own sequence of events on how we got to this point. Tracey is understandably upset, and decides that she isn’t ready for sex (clearly) but she gives Erik a “guilt free pass” for the Naked Mile trip. Erik and his pals promptly leave for Generic University, getting drunk and high.

Erik’s friend’s abuse of nitrous is harshly glossed over.

Some mishaps aside, and a Eugene Levy spotting, the boys successfully make it to Beta House, home of Dwight Stifler, who is mid-drinking contest. We get some exposition about Beta House and their traditions, as well as their current probation at the college, which mostly involves them playing football against their rival frat house. Their rival frat house is a little person fraternity, by the way. It’s really hard to trust a movie that makes little people huge assholes just so Beta House can have an antagonist, and luckily Beta House loses the football game so they don’t look like complete assholes. They shrug their heart-breaking loss off by partying at a club full of questionably clothed people.

I should’ve mentioned sooner that the pictures for this film don’t include a lot of clothes…

To move the plot along, or something, Erik meets a girl at the bar, while Cooz and Ryan meets some girls that are already there with members of the little people fraternity. There’s some unimportant and mildly offensive confrontation between the two and let’s just get to the next scene, please. The movie cuts to Erik telling the nice girl he met about the pantyhose, dryer shitting moment from earlier in the movie, which she finds cute and not off-putting at all. The next day we blow through an awkward phone call with Tracey followed by another Eugene Levy sighting, before we find ourselves at a scene where the little people fraternity assault Dwight and put him in the hospital.

He’s fine though, because they only injured the short run time of the movie.

At some point Erik and Dwight have a heart-to-heart which is undermined greatly by Dwight’s actions through the rest of this movie (and the sequel). We move on, finally, to The Naked Mile which, if watching the unrated movie, features far more nudity (boys and girls, no worries) than pretty much every other film I’ve ever seen. There’s some dumb discourse about how Erik, Ryan, and Cooz think about not participating in The Naked Mile, but are convinced by the girls they met earlier to participate; as if there was any other option in this film.

It’s literally in the fucking title of the movie.

Dwight adds some excitement to The Mile by giving pills to the dudes, which Ryan and Cooz take wrongly assuming it’s ecstasy, but it turns out to be Viagra. No one finds this disturbing in any way, and following one final Eugene Levy sighting, The Naked Mile kicks itself off with a fantastic Sugarcult song. The boys work themselves across the mile with their own respective nameless naked college girls, Ryan and Cooz sporting drug-induced erections, meanwhile Erik finds himself kissing the girl he’s with on live television that Tracey just happens to be watching.

If only something could’ve been done to prevent this from happening.

Consequences be damned, they move on to the after party at Beta House, full of college students in their underwear, Ryan and Cooz still sporting their erections. They meet up with their respective nameless now-in-their-underwear college coeds and the party is interspersed with Tracey’s friends talking her into even more terrible decisions and dragging her to a party of their own. Nevermind the real plot though, Dwight arranges the most ridiculous thing ever arranged: an erection olympics between Ryan and Cooz. This said championship series involves such things as them painfully hanging buckets of beer off their boners, hitting ping pong balls with their penises, and playing ring toss with their erections. At one point Cooz even accidentally jizzes on the crowd.

Which, I can’t understate:

One party montage later (which you’ll notice is a theme in all four of our Season 2 picks up to this point), and we cut to the super lame high school party that Tracey is at. God, high school is just so lame…apparently. Luckily, the lameness is cut down by Tracey’s friends trying to convince her to have sex with her ex-boyfriend to “equalize the relationship with Erik”. At the same time, Erik is turning down sex with unnamed college girl number one because he realizes he’s actually in love with Tracey mid blowjob. As the telegraphed conflict comes to a head, the film decides we have to see Ryan and Cooz getting the privacy with the girls they’ve been hoping for, because we’re supposed to care about them for some reason.

They’ve been such great characters so far.

Erik begins to drive Ryan’s car back to Tracey to tell her his astoundingly obvious revelation, which is interspersed with Ryan having sex, Cooz having kinky sex, and Dwight having sex with the leader of the little person fraternity’s girlfriend because we’re supposed to care. Unluckily for Erik, the car runs out of gas and he steals a horse to make it to the high school party as Tracey is headed upstairs with her ex. Erik makes his way through the party, finds Tracey, and confesses his love. They kiss and have sex, the American way, and finally have a truly happy relationship that definitely won’t survive until the next movie. Erik manages to find time to fill the car with gas and return to his pals, ending the movie with a nice, sex-filled bow on top.

Sex-filled barely begins to describe this movie.

Let’s take a look at this movie, and let’s ignore the misogynistic overtones. If you’re watching an American Pie movie, you know you’re in for a great deal of misogyny. The movie’s main character is actually fairly likeable, despite the grandma killing scene, and he even goes back to his actually nice girlfriend at the end of the movie. The whole “little people are the antagonists of the film” and the “it’s okay to make questionable offensive jokes” mantra of the film is pretty outdated, but is still significantly better than the “our main character’s actually a sexual predator” plot point of Band Camp. I might even argue that Dwight’s over-the-top vulgarity is some of the more tasteful of the character archetype that appears in every sex-based comedy ever.

Anyways, we’re still throwing this in the trash because of this fucking scene.