Trash or Treasure – Volume 24

Zombie Spring Breakers

Hello dear reader and welcome to Trash or Treasure where, yes, we are in fact watching Zombie Spring Breakers to follow up last week’s Spring Breakers. Zombie Spring Breakers (formerly called Ibiza Undead) is a movie about young people who head to Ibiza on spring break only to discover that there are zombies. They must’ve changed the title because it was too on the nose (and Zombie Spring Breakers clearly isn’t). The movie notably stars the voice actress of Tracer from the video game Overwatch and is found lurking on Hulu in the “please don’t find me” section. That’s my kind of section.

Our not-rated film opens with a small boat party, complete with an obscure dance song and champagne. The happy feelings of party are quickly replaced when a man with slicked back hair and a white suit ties some random guy up. It’s not clear whether or not these two scenes are taking place on the same boat, but the party feels livlier if we pretend that they are. Instead of shooting the random guy like any villain, the white suit guy releases a zombie with either the worst or best zombie makeup I’ve ever seen.

You decide for yourself.

We then cut past our main title to meet who I assume are our three main characters.

The camera really wouldn’t be on these three without them being main characters.

They go through zombie security as they head to Ibiza for spring break cluing us in to the Ibiza zombie problem, which deters no one from the island, of course. One of our main character’s (Alex) ex-girlfriend Ellie then announces to the group that Alex has invited her along as well, which is somehow a more awkward scenario than going on holiday to a zombie-infested island. The group is taken by a creepy taxi driver up to their hotel (I think?) and sells them drugs amidst James making jokes about his dick size.

They’re not even jokes really. He just says it outright.

Luckily, when they go to their accommodations there is some topless sunbathing going on by Alex’s sister and her friend for James to horn in on so that we don’t get to miss a single beat of his terrible-ness. Unluckily, there’s a quick cut to white suit guy who confusingly isn’t getting attacked by his own zombies. He screams back and forth with a girl in a confusing accent about things I don’t really care about before cutting to a shot of zombies walking out of the water onto a beach which is then cut to Ellie in slow motion exiting the pool in a yellow polka-dot bikini.

This is what Alex’s face looks like.

We get some sweet exposition into how Alex cheated on Ellie and then left her on the trip because he’s frail. The movie then cuts (surprise there’s a lot of cuts) to James working out poorly and Az (the third one. I looked it up on Wikipedia.) is trying to see what’s happening in England with the zombies, who are also there apparently. The movie isn’t super clear on where the zombies are. James, Alex, and Az head to the clubs, unnecessarily announcing it to the girls staying at the house before they head on their way. That’s what we call extending the run time folks.

And it is a beautiful thing.

James continues to fill the role of disgusting pig in the film as ‘strange accent girl’ shows up, screams at them, and gives them a flier to a party. I wonder if the script told her to scream so much or if it was a character decision. We cut to the girls who have gone off to their own party somewhere to pick up dudes. They successfully do so within 30 seconds, which one of the characters calls out, and then they’re on their way to party back at the house. The boys are now at white suit guy’s club where there’s a zombie stripper, which in itself could be a shitty ToT-level movie.

Well, would you look at that.

There’s a few more unimportant scenes strung together where the girls hit on guys and the guys dance at the zombie strip-club until we make our way to the guys having a real conversation. Or as much of a real conversation as it gets with them. James and Alex decide that Az has been roofied by someone, but do nothing to help him with it, and continue with James trying to get Alex “balls deep in some sluts”. There’s a bit of commotion at the club which involves more screaming from screaming girl and then we cut to the girls at a pool party back at the house. Remember how Spring Breakers tried super hard to have a plot but ended up with nothing? This film has a plot dropped in its lap and just leaves it there.

Not that I’d rather be watching THIS again.

After the film hints at maybe some zombie troubles, it cuts away to the club where the boys are watching a dancer chainsaw a zombie into pieces. There is a quick karma turnaround as the zombie dancer and the unfortunately one-armed zombie turn on the people at the club, which surprises no one because there are literally zombies. James and Alex attempt to escape (forgetting about Az) in the poor club lighting (or accurate club lighting, if we’re honest) and they end up in a parking garage following Alex stabbing a zombie with a glowstick.

Which is cool until James makes some more obscene references.

As James continues his surprising amount of not caring about the zombies, back at the pool Alex’s sister fends off a zombie that attacked her in the pool. Alex and James have made their way back to the house at this point (not really sure what the timeline in this movie is like) and attempt to save the girls inside the house. James and Alex continue to prove themselves the most inept two people in Ibiza as they kill someone who isn’t a zombie then waste time just standing around talking about it. Also James has been eating take-out the whole time.

Which raises the question about where he got the food.

Alex walks in on Ellie with one of the dudes the girls picked up to warn her. The dude is somehow worse than James as a human being and leaves so everyone can finally worry about where Az is. As we learn, Az is still in the club and gets his pants stolen by a zombie. There’s some weak debate but the real thing I’m interested in here is that not a single person has succumbed to the trope of not knowing what a zombie is. Every time a character sees them for the first time they know exactly what they’re talking about.

You win this round Zombie Spring Breakers.

The group makes a decent decision to call the creepy taxi driver to come and rescue them, which he agrees to in exchange for a picture of one of the girls’ tits. This movie is ever classy.

The scene then moves on to Alex and James having to amputate the arm of the shitty dude who was making out with Ellie because he came back with a zombie bite on his hand. There’s a surprisingly gruesome scene before a smash cut to a pantsless Az. The movie THEN cuts back to the gruesome amputation which James and Alex are laughing hysterically about. I cannot understate just how many cuts this movie has.

No, wait, I’m talking about the other spring break movie.

Az finds his way to rescue screaming girl and have a homoerotically charged conversation with white suit guy about his yacht. At least I think they’re talking about his yacht. Az and screaming girl are saved from white suit guy by a well-timed zombie and then there’s a hard cut to an attempt at a romantic storyline between James and Alex’s sister. Somehow James really does work over Alex’s sister as a romantic pairing despite the fact that she’s heard the things that come out of his mouth. Surprisingly, there’s no cuts from this scene and it continues on with James crying his way into Alex’s sister having sex with him.

It’s the least believable part of the movie
And the movie is filled with zombies.

The next morning Alex and Ellie spend some time fending off the amputated guy who still turned into a zombie, while James wakes up next to Alex’s sister who has turned into a zombie. James is unconcerned about this, because of his continuously fucked priorities. He argues with Alex about banging his sister but they’re interrupted when creepy taxi driver shows up to save them. Well to have sex with the ladies, then save them. The taxi driver gets what’s coming to him as he gets attacked by Alex’s sister the zombie. Needing the keys to the taxi so they can escape, Alex’s sister’s friend (who’s name has been lost on me) takes out Alex’s zombie sister and they begin their escape.

Finally.

Through a strange sequence of events, James blows up the taxi and Alex’s sister’s friend’s leg but they’re then saved by Az and Screaming Girl in a limo who just so happen to have the keys to white suit guy’s yacht. It seems like they’re all home free until…no wait, they just punch their way through a zombie horde on the beach before making it to the yacht for escape. I suppose it was about time someone in this movie did something badass. James however decides to stay on the beach because he knows he’s likely infected from having had sex with Alex’s sister, though it plays off more like him being secretly afraid of water. It’s an awkward goodbye, that’s for sure.

Though not unwelcomed.

Instead of giving him a noble death we discover that James actually didn’t have sex with Alex’s zombie sister and that he’s actually not even infected. It’s baffling how quickly after he decides to stay back that they reveal this information, but it’s on par with the movie I suppose. James is then actually infected by zombies because padding the runtime is important. Alex and Ellie get back together just in time for white suit guy to reveal himself to not actually be dead. Instead of a clever way of ending the movie though, white suit guy just accidentally shoots himself trying to light a cigarette with his gun and the remaining kids sail off to the end of the movie.

The movie ends with a blooper reel because there isn’t enough shit in the movie itself.

The movie is pretty shitty. There’s a lot of cuts, a lot of characters, and honestly James is one of the worst characters in a movie ever. Even without the pretty basic plot, James ruins it. I can’t overstate how shitty of a person he is through the whole movie. Even if we set James aside, which is hard to do because he’s just terrible, the movie has no real surprises in it and comes off in the end, as pretty basic and quite stupid. It’s unfortunate that they threw away such a decent idea.

Spring Break is zero for two here on Trash or Treasure.