The Return of Trash or Treasure – Volume 23

Spring Breakers

Hello everyone and welcome to the return of Trash or Treasure. We’re back with a second season of articles to bring you even more terrible movies. To kick things off I wanted to start with a movie I’ve heard is pretty terrible and recently found its way to Netflix – Spring Breakers. The film stars plenty of A-List actors: Selena Gomez, James Franco, Vanessa Hudgens, and is about four rowdy college girls finding themselves in a world of crime. Like I mentioned before, I’ve heard the movie isn’t great, so let’s just forge on ahead, shall we?

The film opens with a silent run of many neon logos, which made me think something with my HDMI cord was fucked up. Luckily, we cut to an exciting beach party and the soft dulcet tones of Skrillex let me know that my HDMI cord is just fine. There’s beer chugging, popsicle fellation, and a whole lot of nudity. Just like any spring break party anywhere in the country, I guess. We leave the party scene though and find ourselves at a college lecture where two girls are passing notes about how much penis they want between each other. I have a feeling that this film might’ve been written and directed by a guy.

Whoda thunk it?

We follow up this scene with Selena Gomez sitting in a very cult-y church circle singing hymnals and being told by some fellow church members to “pray hardcore down in Florida”. This says to me that she doesn’t pray at all during this trip down to Florida because foreshadowing doesn’t have to be subtle. The movie cuts away from all this exposition and heads to another party where there’s a guy with a raw turkey on his head and a guy using a babydoll as a bong. At least this movie is showing me some images I’d never seen before.

Yet somehow it’s near impossible to find a picture from this movie
That doesn’t involve these four in bikinis.

There’s a strange montage of the four main characters (who are still nameless at this point) dancing in a hallway in their underwear, counting money on a bathroom floor, and discovering that they don’t have enough money to make it to spring break. Without the cinematography it sounds like the plot of a porno, yet the way the film is shot is particularly artsy making me think that this film has more to it than the comedy genre section it lives in. If anything, the wide array of colors used makes it an incredibly pretty film to look at.

I promise this is 99% of the photos of this movie online.

The girls are determined to get the cash for their spring break, causing them to rob a diner to make their dreams come true. This moment in the film features a whole lot of drug use making me think that this is not a descent into crime for these girls – they’re already there. No one blinks an eye at how they got their money, and the friends head off to spring break down in Florida. It’s a decent time to mention that there’s very little dialogue in this film, and the dialogue that is in the film is pretty terrible. A particular favorite line of mine is “this money makes my pussy wet”.

I think he stole that line from Shakespeare.

Following a voice over montage of the beginning of the girls’ fun down in Florida, which includes them pissing on a sidewalk (classy), we get to…an unvoiced over montage of the girls’ fun in Florida. Then James Franco with dreads shows up rapping on stage and the movie mercifully cuts to a pretty sunset, so your eyes can stop bleeding. They even have a deep conversation in the pool at their hotel where the camera artfully drops below the waterline.

This movie has a lot of artful imagery.

The name of this movie should be “interspersed” because there aren’t any scenes that don’t have some other scene cut into it. Girls making fun of Selena Gomez? Cut with the fourth girl getting wasted and flashing some guys. Selena Gomez on the phone with her grandma? Cut to the other girls sleeping in bikinis. I’m no expert, but that seems pretty impractical for sleep. The movie continues make it really hard to tell exactly what the timeline of events are, but figures you’ll ignore it because the main characters spend so much time in bikinis.

If you scroll far enough on the search for these images,
You stop finding images of this movie.

The girls (unnamed) take a moment to recount the time they robbed a diner to Selena. Selena, who wasn’t there because of ‘night church’ is unfazed by the description of armed robbery. This is followed by another party scene. In this particular party montage, we see glimpses of the four girls in the back of police cruisers, and the montage finally breaks with us, the viewers, seeing them get arrested for their drug and alcohol filled antics at the most recent party. Luckily, the movie keeps cutting back to scenes from a happier party that doesn’t have any cops because I was scared that this movie might finally have a plot.

Pictured: not a plot.

Some jail time and a bikini-clad courtroom scene later, James Franco’s accent and terrible white guy dreds show up in full force. The four girls accept a ride from this guy, since he bailed them out of jail, and there’s some strange words about drugs and double penetration. James Franco goes on a long, long monologue about his illegal activities, which makes me think that we may finally getting somewhere, but we don’t. Selena Gomez begins to second guess being with James Franco because he’s creepy, but her friends disagree with her.There is an argument, which I guess is enough for a conflict. Like, a shitty, abusive kind of conflict, but that counts.

This guy is surprisingly shitty.

The movie, as a whole, is shown in snippets in and out of chronological order. This, of course, makes it incredibly difficult to tell what kind of timeframe we have, or even when things in the movie occur. At this point though, Selena Gomez hops on a bus and leaves Florida without her friends, who feel like staying with the creepy drug dealer is a better option than going home with their friend. The three remaining girls opt to form a harem around a drug dealing James Franco, or something sexist, and we continue to get James Franco’s mostly incoherent blabbering.

I don’t think they gave him a script. Ever.

We continue this bizarre slog through an obligatory strip club scene where we learn about some enemy of James Franco. I imagine that guy will come into play at some point, but instead, James Franco’s character tries to French two of the girls. They start to play around and pull two of his guns on him and James Franco responds by fellating the guns. The girls are into this, and things continue as is. It’s the weirdest fucking scene I’ve ever seen, and gets the plot absolutely nowhere. One strange Britney Spears/robbery montage later and James Franco’s rival claunches a plan to kill James Franco (who I guess we’re supposed to care about?), followed up by him executing the “plan” by drive-by shooting Franco’s car and injuring one of the girls.

Yes, I’m still talking about this movie.

Surprise, the movie continues with a montage of how she deals with it. Including James Franco singing a creepy song while the red-haired girl (the one who got shot) cries in the shower, and decides to leave to go home. Two down, two to go, I suppose. The most unbelievable part about this whole movie is that at this point two of the girls still stay, even after their friend got shot. If it were me, I’d be getting the fuck out of Florida and never coming back. Because this movie is ridiculous though, the two girls cope by having a pool threesome with James Franco.

Nothing in this movie surprises me anymore.

There’s ANOTHER montage that repeats dialogue over and over, as James Franco and the two girls get ready to retaliate and kill James Franco’s rival (I think). Not to be outdone, James Franco’s rival is also having a threesome during this montage. There is a questionable  segue into another montage as they actually try to kill this guy whose beef with James Franco seems to be being a different James Franco. James Franco’s character is then abruptly killed and the two remaining girls go on a high-body count rampage through the enemy dude’s villa accompanied by voice over of a phone call to mom.

That sweet, sweet ironic voiceover.

The movie ends with the two remaining Spring Breakers, now known as the unnamed, stealing the enemy dude’s bright orange Lamborghini and riding off into the sunset with no repercussions whatsoever.

I personally have been left incredibly confused.

The movie is mostly out of montages and voiceovers, which make it feel like a class project about spring break. There also doesn’t seem to be a real driving force behind any of the plot and it often feels like the nudity is supposed to be enough to sustain the film. It isn’t. That puts this film firmly in the trash.

This somehow wasn’t the end of the film.