Trash or Treasure – Volume 21

Trash or Treasure: Volume 21 – Bachelorette

Hey all and welcome to Trash or Treasure: Volume 21. This week we’re taking a look at 2012’s  Bachelorette, easily found on Netflix, and definitely ripe with terribleness. The film stars Kirsten Dunst, Rebel Wilson, Isla Fisher, and Lizzy Caplan in a star-studded cast playing three friends who reunite at a wedding. The film seems like a female-version of the American Pie style movie and reminds me of the movie Rough Night (which also may appear later in Trash or Treasure) but 5 years earlier. Well, let’s get it over with.

The film opens with Kirsten Dunst at lunch with her pal Rebel Wilson. I’m not sure if these characters have names but the film jumps to Kirsten Dunst calling Lizzy Caplan, who is smoking weed and in bed with some dude and they bring in Isla Fisher to their call. Wikipedia tells me that Kirsten Dunst is “Regan”, Rebel Wilson is “Becky”, Isla Fisher is “Katie”, and Lizzy Caplan is “Gena” (pronounced Jenna) so I’ll use those names throughout this article, whether it’s true or not. Anyways, the three not-Becky girls discuss Becky and her wedding with “Dale” and what kind of plans they have for it.

Shenanigans I’m sure.

We get some more exposition, including Regan treating other humans like absolute trash and Gena being extra-promiscuous on the way to the wedding/bachelorette party. Gena, Katie, and Regan meet up and screech about cocaine as I start to think I’m actually watching Rough Night again. Gena and Katie argue about Princess Di’s death and then Becky tells them about the actual boring plan for the bachelorette party. You can cut the disappointment with a knife but fear not – Katie and Gena run off to do some coke before what I’m assuming is the bachelorette party. We also meet Trevor, Regan’s future love interest (ay), and Katie tells Gena about her stripper, but Gena is distracted by Adam Scott’s character whose name is….uhh…Clyde.

Wikipedia tells me…

There’s some awkwardness, awkward violins, and Katie trying to score some drugs and at this point I’m pretty sure this is Dazed and Confused. I certainly wasn’t expecting this many drug references this quick. The movie continues with some speeches, some internal conflict within Regan (though because it is internal we learn nothing), and some stripping happens. The stripping doesn’t last for long though because Becky and Gena fight over some deep secrets, including that Becky was bulimic, and Gena and Katie are uninvited from the wedding. This is a surprisingly giant plot twist so early in the movie, but whatever.

They get over it by drinking wine and doing coke, naturally.

Through a series of unfortunate events (but not the unfortunate events) the bride’s dress is ripped and the three girl’s need to fix it, with a lot of swearing involved. They awkwardly run into the bachelor party, which is bizarrely and coincidentally made up of the love interests of every one of the girls (and Becky’s future husband of course), and they discuss strip clubs while Katie’s nose bleeds profusely (from the coke). Luckily we get a brief break in the coked up action to hear the bachelor party talk about banging the bridesmaids.

It’s exactly what the movie needed, I guess.

There’s more bickering and not problem solving and I guess some exposition about how much all the girls actually hate Becky. Also Regan licks a physical sidewalk and we learn that Katie can sew things, but because she’s so stupid and coked out she forgot this for the first third of the movie. Go fucking figure. Don’t worry though because they take a detour to the strip club where the guys are at. There’s some more coke antics from Katie as she starts dancing with the strippers and also Trevor is a huge asshole. I’m actually really confused about what the plot of this movie is, but maybe it’s because I’m mostly paying attention to Isla Fisher.

For good reason.

Gena has a heart-to-heart with a stripper and starts to feel bad about the dress, arguing with Regan (and I guess Katie, but she’s way out of it). The dudes split off, Clyde with Gena, Trevor takes Regan so that Joe (some dude from high school that sold Katie pot) can take Katie home and have sex with her. Regan is surprisingly infatuated with Trevor despite his inability to understand its not okay to have sex with Katie in the state he’s in, though I guess since Regan has shown herself to be an awful human being to other human beings it’s less surprising.

Also there’s an abortion subplot with these two
Which the movie just decides it has all of a sudden.

Gena and Clyde, who despite their awkward abortion subplot, go to Clyde’s mom to fix the wedding dress because someone has to move this fucking plot along. Not the fucking plot, I mean, since that’d be Regan who’s banging Trevor in the strip club restroom instead of being useful to this movie. Katie and Joe go swimming in the hotel pool in their underwear which also has nothing to do with the plot but involves Isla Fisher in her underwear so here we are in the article. Side shit aside, Regan meets with Becky who is sorry about ruining the night.

Even though it’s these three fools that ruined the night.

Clyde and Gena have a heart to heart, Joe and Katie have a heart to heart, and I guess this was when Oprah showed up and started handing out heart to hearts. Also Clyde plays an old mix tape of his and The Proclaimers’ “500 Miles” sets the soundtrack to Clyde and Gena getting it on, so that’s pretty cool I guess. This movie has been giving me a lot of conflicting feelings across its entire run, but it wins me back with Joe turning down sex with Katie because she’s drunk. Honestly Joe is the best character in this whole fuckin’ film and he gets called the r-word by Trevor like five times.

In case you were worried that somehow Trevor wasn’t a terrible person suddenly.

The heart to hearts continue with Regan and Becky as we learn that Regan was actually the bulimic one and Becky was covering for her. They all wake up the next day for the wedding and Gena and Clyde have slept together and rush back with the dress as Katie locks herself in the bathroom. Regan takes complete control of the wedding as things conspire to stop the event. This includes the fact that Katie has overdosed on Xanax (though apparently she does it every weekend) and Gena trying to get the dress dry cleaning.

One of these people is useful.

People begin rightfully cursing Trevor’s name (as he’s the one who supplied the Xanax), and Joe rightfully takes Katie to the paramedics (though apparently she’s okay to go to the wedding). If there’s one thing this movie asks of us, it’s suspension of disbelief. Everything in this movie is so wild, I have trouble believing that any of this happens in real life at all. In the end though, we get a happy wedding despite all of the trouble, every friendship is saved, and Regan even cries. Katie even ends up with Joe, Regan gets a little bit of sleep in, and Clyde even wins Gena despite his graphic description of sex with Gena and his off-key rendition of “500 Miles”. Everyone gets what they want in the end and it’s all happy.

Except Trevor, cuz he’s a shithead.

At first I wasn’t so sure about Bachelorette. The movie starts off really strange and includes a lot of really terrible people (like Trevor). By the end of the film though, I think I’m sold entirely by Joe and Katie’s characters, and y’know what, I’ll even say Gena and Clyde got me too (Lizzy Caplan and Adam Scott are pretty dope). The movie is full of drug references, top tier swear words (you know the ones), and some pretty solid actors. So, despite the awful human beings, I’ll give Bachelorette the treasure pile.

Except that dickhead Trevor. He can go straight to the trash.