Trash or Treasure – Volume 20

Sharknado

Welcome to part two of this week’s Trash or Treasure first ever double feature where I’ve decided to treat you all (and punish myself) for being so patient for last week’s article. That’s right: I’m watching Sharknado.

Now you may be saying to yourself “but Rosa, you run Trash or Treasure, and haven’t seen Sharknado?”. Well dear reader, the answer to that is yes, but the shame ends here. It’s on Netflix, stars Ian Ziering and Tara Reid, and is about shark tornados that ravage Los Angeles. I’ve got the alcohol on standby – let’s go.

The film opens with an Asian businessman negotiating with a Mexican captain about illegal shark hunting off the coast of Mexico. Luckily, this interesting plot point is cut short when a bad CGI sharknado hits the boat and kills everyone on board. The film is shot in poor quality; I knew what I was getting into, I swear. We jump away from this unimportant (except the sharknado) plot point, and jump to a montage of attractive people surfing and being on a beach. Then we cut to a bar local bar.

Who likes beaches anyways? Sigh…

At this bar is an attractive bikini bartender and an old perv who she’s alarmingly both okay, and not okay with. Before we get to anything important, we cut to an attractive surfer lady getting attacked by a shark at the beach. Wait, I think that might be the important part. The sharks also get some other people, no one does anything to help them, and Fin, our main surfer/bartender character, makes an appropriately timed joke about vegemite. I mean who can resist vegemite?

Me. I can resist it.

Anyways, the old perv says something ominous later in the day and they continue to sexualize the waitress who clearly has a fear of sharks (the animal, not the sexual predator). We get some exposition about Fin and his ex-wife April’s relationship or some shit, and Fin says some more ominous stuff about  the storm as people continue to not listen to any of the obvious warnings. It was at this point I realized this movie is only 90 minutes long. That explains why the plot is moving faster than a freight train. Or a freight shark.

Or a shark-train? Forget it.

We continue to blow on through the movie (pun intended, I guess) as the sharknado destroys the pier and Fin and his pals (the pervert, the waitress, and his Australian friend) shoot the hell out of some sharks. It’s really over the top and really blurry, so just bare with me as we get through this. I also really think that one of the funniest parts of this movie is how little effort they put into covering how nice of a day it was when they filmed this. In fact, it probably was one singular day when they filmed it. The waitress continues to pull exposition out of Fin, as she hits on him, and somehow didn’t know he had a whole entire family.

A whole entire unhappy family, because it’s a disaster movie.

The film pushes on, making inappropriate jokes, using bad CGI, and trying to sneak the same shot past us a couple of times, as Fin and friends drive through the flood to get to his family. The film even finds some more time to sneak some more pervy friend perving it up in. You can tell this movie was released in…holy shit just 2013? This movie is only five years old?? Wow. I feel old now. Or do I feel young?

However I feel didn’t prepare me for this.

While our heroes traverse the treacherous wastes known as Los Angeles, they stop to save a dog from a car, and pervy guy gets killed. The characters all feel bad, but I certainly don’t, so good riddance. There’s some questionable facts that get stated about storms and floods, and of course, some more questionable CGI. I’m sorry, I’m actually blown away by the amount of bad CGI. I know it was made by Syfy Channel and not a major film company, but really? This is fucking trash.

It’s so shitty that there aren’t even any pictures of it.

Fin and friends make it to his ex-wife’s house, where she tries to turn him away. And then his daughter turns him away. And then his ex-wife’s boyfriend. It’s ridiculous how much people are letting their personal differences get in the way of the fact that there’s sharks everywhere and they’re eating people. Like seriously, do people in Beverly Hills not think the rest of the world around them matters?

Wait, I take that back.

Some shark killing, exposition, and car driving later, Fin rappels from a bridge to save some trapped school children that April soullessly tells him to leave behind. I swear everything in that sentence happens. One much longer scene than necessary later, and some paramedics ex machina, the storm gets better then worse then better. A dude even gets crushed by the Hollywood sign (in case you didn’t know it was a disaster movie). They continue to drive inland through surprisingly busy streets for a disaster movie, and their car breaks down because the car is flooded and it blows up.

The whole movie makes sense if you don’t think about it, or watch it at all.

One conspiracy theorist later (again, it’s a disaster movie), they have a new giant hummer that they use to escape the police. I don’t know if I’ve said it at this point in the article, but holy shit this movie is fucking stupid. Like really fucking stupid. Anyways, there’s this dumb car chase, some unrealistic geographic placement of characters, and, easily one of the best lines I’ve ever heard, wherein waitress says: “why’s there a retirement home next to an airport?” and Fin’s daughter replies: “because old people can’t hear?”.

You’re not winning me over this easily Sharknado.

So, they end up at this “flight school” where Fin’s son happens to be and the gang meet up with him just in time for the tornado to wreck up the place. It’s almost like the disaster follows these people wherever…oh fuck it’s a metaphor for humanity. God damn movies making me think and shit. The group continues on in their bullshit metaphor and decide to stand and fight at the airfield, presumably because it was the place that Syfy could rent out the longest. They grab some chainsaws and homemade bombs and decide to fuck shit up.

Because shit wasn’t fucked before this.

Before the big climax, Fin fights with his daughter about family things, reminding us that this movie also has morals, I guess. As if their stupid ass metaphor wasn’t enough. We also get some sad stuff about waitress’ past that I super don’t care about, and I’m starting to think that maybe Fin’s son and the waitress hook up at the end, which is weird considering the waitress had the hots for Fin. Oh well, logic doesn’t matter in this movie anyways.

Look at this picture again and tell me where you find the logic.

The climax of the movie hits and they chainsaw some sharks, they bomb some tornados, and some people get attacked by sharks (not the important people though). They leave the airfield because their rented time was over, and the geographic location of the characters gets all screwy again. We get some of the last bad CGI and scenes clearly filmed on a sunny day but are pretending to be in a rainstorm, and the movie finally ends. It wraps up neatly and they never have to speak of it again.

They made 4 more of these movies?
Son of a bitch.

Sharknado certainly lives up to the hype, or anti-hype I suppose. This movie was fucking awful, from the bad CGI to the bad acting to the bad everything. The only real reason to watch this pile of hot garbage would be to say you did it, but then definitely don’t watch it again, and also get a brain detox. I have seen many Sharknado drinking games, and that seems like the proper way to watch this film and its sequels.

Or, y’know, just don’t watch them.