A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell!
Welcome my dear friends to this week’s Trash or Treasure where we take a look at the spectacularly titled A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell!. Starring Paul Guzzi, Linda Gorwin, and a myriad of other people you’ve never heard of, the film is a 1990 Troma Film telling the tale of a young woman living in a post-apocalyptic world who finds herself in a battle against, among other things, dinosaurs. So far in our Trash or Treasure life we’ve seen two Troma films: Decampitated and Feartown USA, which ranged from very bad to very good. This made it hard for me to make expectations for this film, though, with a title like that, I knew I was in for something special.
Our film opens with sultry narration. Usually I complain about narration, but I feel oddly seduced by the narrator’s voice, so I’ll allow it. We learn of a terrible single day atomic war that destroyed civilization, and the takedown of the capitalist pig overlords. There’s piles of exposition that I could care less about, as I begin to question the validity of this film around the time that the narrator says “Tromaville became a dinosaur hell, and to combat it I became a barbarian. Not just any barbarian, because sometimes my juices start to flow. I feel like a nymphoid.”
Pictured: not porn.
In the next scene, all the sultriness and validity questions are washed away as I watch a man battle a giant worm puppet in the New Jersey forrest. At this point, I prayed that a real dinosaur would appear, but I also had the feeling this might be as close as we get. This is then followed by an obnoxiously long bathing scene, I guess because nymphoid is the first word in the title and dinosaur is only the third. We then get to see the soaking nymphoid barbarian, who doesn’t have a name at this point despite being the main character, out fight and outwit three barbarian men with the help of another man, who gets shot with an arrow in the process.
Because I was really starting to question if this was a feminist piece.
Luckily, another dinosaur shows up and we hear the first line of dialogue in the movie: “bitch”. Unfortunately, every time one of these “dinosaurs” shows up, I shudder in disgust, as the puppetry or models or whatever it was they used is straight up awful. It reminds me a lot of the dinosaurs from One Million B.C., except the only difference is that that film came out in 1940, and this film came out 3 years before Jurassic Park. Anyways, we ignore the “dinosaur” and move on to the nymphoid barbarian helping, just-got-shot-by-arrow man, you know, because she’s a nymphoid.
Something they never stop reminding you of.
One montage later, and our heroes are playing around in the ocean. At times while watching this film, I wonder if they filmed all of the sexy parts first and then, realizing they had no conflict, added the “dinosaurs”. After that useless scene, the two nameless heroes get attacked by tusken raider stand-ins who spend all their time throwing shells at each other. They seriously spend so much time showing them fighting with the shells, I forgot that this film was about a nymphoid barbarian.
Well, almost forgot.
Some unnecessary scenes later, the nymphoid barbarian gets kidnapped by some scary dude and his tusken raider cronies, and her friend gets the shit kicked out of him. We then meet another character who is introduced by a voice-over reading of Lewis Carroll’s “Jabberwocky” . Although, thinking about it now, it’s hard to tell if it’s a voice-over that’s just inside the man’s head or really bad ADR that he’s supposed to be reading out loud. Lucky for us, this man also never tells us his name, just in case you wanted to know that too.
Or, if you were say, writing an article about this shitty movie.
This mysterious stranger nurses love interest man back to health, says some vague and probably expositional things, and sees love interest man off with the gift of a gun. The film takes the painful time to remind us that, even though everyone is talking like they’re from the middle ages, it still takes place some time after 1990. Anyways, the villain is taking the nymphoid somewhere, which is never expressed because there is a solid 10 lines of dialogue in this film. They encounter a dinosaur fight, which is painful to watch in 2018.
I suppose it was probably painful to watch in 1990, too.
The villain, for some stupid reason, is obsessed with the dinosaur fight, and the nymphoid barbarian makes her escape. The villain sends his cronies after her because he wants to watch the dinosaurs fight and can’t be bothered. Honestly, I complain about too much exposition a lot, because many of the films we’ve watched throw it in our face, but this film has done the exact opposite. I have no idea why any of the characters do anything they do.
I am 100% positive I know why she’s dressed like this, though.
Nymphoid barbarian is then saved by a mysterious stranger in the wilderness, who argues with her, takes her to a military base (I think), and gives her a children’s book to teach her how to read. It really opens this film up to the question of where their parents are, and why all types of society collapse so hard with this single day war. They even show in the opening narration montage groups of people surviving together. So where did they go? Anyways, Nymphoid discovers her savior is actually a mutant and runs away from him and his disfigured face, before returning to him after learning a lesson.
Also a story about racism, apparently.
The mysterious stranger and nymphoid barbarian attempt to find love interest man, but find the villain instead, which results in the most awkward sword fight I’ve ever seen between villain and mysterious stranger. The tediously long fight ends with mysterious stranger’s death, which I guess I’m supposed to be sad about since the nymphoid decided to not run away from him earlier in the film. Moments later, the villain gives up on taking the nymphoid back to his castle (which we learn is only moments away), and reveals his whole plan was to have sex with the nymphoid. This begs the question as to why he didn’t do it earlier in the film, or, why he didn’t wait to do it at the castle. It’s not like he was under some sort of schedule, and if he was, he clearly ignores it. Luckily, he pays for his stupidity with loss of arm by worm dinosaur.
Every time I use the word dinosaur, Jack Horner cries a little.
The nymphoid barbarian inexplicably goes to the villain’s castle anyways, where she is once again captured. There’s an awkward drooling almost sex scene, some more dinosaur fighting, and at long last, love interest man saves the day and saves the nymphoid barbarian from certain doom. The villain is thrown into a moat with dinosaurs and the film ends with nymphoid barbarian and love interest man hugging it out.
And you wish a second apocalypse would end the characters.
In world wrought with too much exposition, this film falls many crayons short of the box. There is not a lot of dialogue in the film, and it would’ve been nice if there had been to let us know pretty much anything that was going on. On top of that, the dinosaurs from the title are horrifying, painfully outdated, and generally unimportant to the “story” of this film. Despite its anemic 81 minute run-time, I found myself checking when this film would be over the most. It is with great displeasure that I list this films as one of the worst five I have ever seen, and I highly recommend you avoid it at all costs. If you want a better dinosaur movie, just go watch Jurassic Park.
And if you want a better nymphoid film,
Go watch porn.