Trash or Treasure – Volume 6

Premature

Hello all, and welcome to volume six of Trash or Treasure where we look at the mysteriously yet obviously named Premature. This Netflix find tells the story of a high school student Rob who finds himself in a Groundhog Day-esque time loop that starts over every time he ejaculates (hence the title of the movie). The film, much like last week’s The Babysitter, has no super famous people, save for a poor Alan Tudyk who was somehow pulled into this movie. Last week I pulled a bit of treasure out of Netflix, so going into this film I was cautiously optimistic.

The film opens, aptly, with a sex dream. There’s some opening narration over top of it, a triple breasted lady, and red rubber sheets. Luckily, this is the only time we experience this scene in the film and it is cut off quickly by Rob’s mom waking him up beginning the slew of premature ejaculation joke fodder littered throughout this film. We learn about Rob’s mom’s love of ejaculation humor, his dad’s overbearing paternal love, and how Rob is destined to go to Georgetown University like his dad. With Rob’s all important entrance interview today, can anything go wrong?

Yes, yes it can.

Rob heads to school and meets up with his way too over-sexed friend, along with his best friend (future love interest). I do want to point out that the actor who plays Rob does an excellent job at really seeming like he’s in an awful situation. His dry voice fits perfectly for a loser character who gets trapped in an ejaculation based time loop…wait, shit. We continue on at the school where we meet Rob’s rival – an offensive Armenian stereotype disguised as a super nerd. I guess we’re expected to be okay with the caricature because the film has an offensive Israeli stereotype later on.

No really they say: “he’s Armenian, poor kid”

We then learn some silly expositional things like Rob and his love interest love the spelling bee, Rob’s best friend Stanley only has one testicle, and Rob gets his nice khakis sprayed with piss from volleyball players (I promise I didn’t make any of that up). Rob goes through the day and gives up on tutoring a kid (while Stanley called the Armenian language a “witch language”) and a hot girl in class wants Rob to “come study after school”. Along with the piss pants, Rob has a pretty shit day where he misses a throwaway hot girl’s sexual interest in him, he makes his college recruiter cry (played by Alan Tudyk), and gets hit by a car. Stanley convinces him to bone that hot girl, he buys some condoms, meets up with the hot girl and then the shit hits the fan.

Pictured: Shit hitting the fan.

Rob awakens again on the same day to the same premature ejaculation joke from his mother, and finds himself at a loss for words, continuing through his day experiencing the exact same thing. Literally, he ruins his whole day again and we get to painfully watch it again, though seeing him realize he’s going to get hit by the car again is pretty funny. He continues to start his days over and over and over again, repeating the same mistakes, until he snaps and meets up, panicking, with Stanley who’s post having sex with a hot girl Lisa before school starts.

I don’t care how attractive she is,
It is too early in the morning for that much physical activity.

After another ejaculation incident, Rob begins to freak out. He coins the phrase “jizzikenises” at this point and absolutely destroys the volleyball players’ piss super soaker, which are two pretty awesome things. There’s also probably the funniest scene in the whole movie where, after foreshadowing Love Interest and Rob’s future relationship, Rob calls the volleyball players “gay” to which one responds “I actually am gay, my teammates have been super supportive about it”. It’s a moment that takes you off guard and is hilarious and surprisingly touching.

Not that kind of touching.

Unfortunately, we’re then treated to a moment where the volleyball players chase Rob to kick his ass and Rob escapes by triggering the time loop by masturbating in an empty science lab. At this point Rob starts to realize he’s in a movie and he questions going to Georgetown, and his entire existence, and begins to not even care about repercussions of his actions, including stealing a golf cart, a touching moment with his love interest best friend, and dropping a shit bomb in the teacher’s lounge, and ending in getting the shit kicked out of him by his childhood bully. You know, for a movie about a dude ejaculating a lot, he gets beaten to a pulp a lot.

Or maybe doesn’t get beaten up enough…

After a strange talk with his principal, and Stanley proving he’s the single most offensive character I’ve watched in Trash or Treasure thus far, Rob escapes again (zero guesses how). It is a good time to stop and really think about how offensive Stanley really is. He makes fun of Armenians, makes fun of a girl’s adam’s apple, and does a racist Asian accent. Rob returns to his day once more this time with a complete loss of existential purpose. Despite this, he gets the counselor to cry again. Seriously, no matter what happens each day he gets his counselor to cry.

90% of Alan Tudyk’s part in this movie is crying.

Finally, Rob decides to do the smart thing and talk to his best friend love interest (her name is Gabrielle by the way, I finally remembered it). He decides to tell her about his masturbation time powers and we get to hear about Gabrielle’s Abraham Lincoln sexual fantasy, which is also a top contender for best part of the movie. Gabrielle then takes Rob to Armenian caricature’s house and we discover, to no one’s surprise, even more racist stereotypes. It’s easily the most uncomfortable part of the movie, and that’s saying something in a movie where you watch a teenager orgasm at least ten times.

My face when realizing this fact.

Luckily for the sake of tension, Rob decides the reason he’s repeating his day is because he doesn’t have sex with throwaway hot girl, instead of the obvious choice of Gabrielle. If you like yelling at movies because their protagonist doesn’t pick the right thing to do, then this spot of the movie was made especially for you. At this point God intervenes, and throwaway hot girl spills it that she just wants him for sex and finally Rob realizes what he has to do. Just kidding, he doesn’t know yet, and his dad intercepts him to meet with the college recruiter at a hotel bar.

They paid him a lot, so I guess they had to give him an important, crying part in the movie.

Finally Rob’s dad says the all important “sometimes the universe has a way of stopping you when you’re about to make a mistake” and the hotel bar has the national spelling bee on the TV (I guess the Browns were on Monday Night). Rob puts two and two together and realizes he loves Gabrielle and the college counselor is so moved by Rob’s realization that Rob, Rob’s dad, and the college counselor decide to go to Gabrielle’s house to win her back (y’know, after insulting her by trying to have sex with throwaway hot girl). Gabrielle, understandably, hates Rob a bit at this point.

And can you blame her?

There’s a touching, and strange sequence, where Gabrielle tries to get Rob out by getting him off and starting his day over, and her dad bursts in and catches them, and Rob decides to pour his heart out. It’s a very touching moment that is strangely, yet appropriately, punctuated by the whole time travel orgasm thing. Gabrielle, because this is a movie, decides to stop hating Rob and decides she loves him back and they watch the rest of the spelling bee together. Oh yeah, and they kiss and have sex and all that shit that teens do or some shit.

Youths these days, am I right???

Overall, the movie is very polarizing to me. On the one hand, there’s a lot of seriously good jokes and it has a strange quirkiness about it that sits pretty well. On the other hand, there’s some pretty racist moments and you get to experience watching Rob’s orgasms over and over and over. I would say what swings it is Alan Tudyk. Yes, I know, he cries for most of the movie, but he has some pretty good and hilarious moments and it just ticks the meter over into the treasure category. So there you have it folks, a movie about an ejaculation time loop is a treasure. How about that.

Actually this whole article was an excuse to type “ejaculation” as many times as possible.